Seriously gone . . .

Romance - the sweet somethings that came from nothing.
Reading into things - This man knows how to feed women, spiritually, humorously, physically, with thoughts, words and deeds. So rare a man, should not be kept to just one person unless she herself is a queen.

I took him seriously, despite my self-awareness; my self-esteem.

Despite the things told to me that it was wrong, I chose to believe an image of "home at last", with all of my heart.

I'll explain.

I got giddy, excited and full of "what-ifs". I anticipated the first meeting, the first kiss, the first time our eyes met and our bodies began to speak with one another.

I couldn't see that he was doing it with everyone else. I had no idea he was saying these things to all of the others too. I only saw what I chose to see.

It's evocative for me to think that my luck could have changed - so unexpectedly, and be so welcomed. It was what I call, good luck. It offered an instant solution to the lessons that were necessary for me to learn in order to protect myself. These lessons teach me the people that manipulate and take advantage of others. It helped to teach me that to be overly trusting is being irresponsible with my self-respect. My own-self worth and my views on how much I am willing to sacrifice at the expense of having a significant other in my life.

How much of ME should be whittled away in order to practice common decency, empathy, and sympathy toward another human-being? It's 'rude to be crude' (unless you are discussing oil), and not value another's feelings. But at OUR expense?!

Sometimes denying ourselves at the expense of another can be an injustice to our own good will. Our survival. How do we know when we are just being lazy or following our gut?

To me, in following my gut, I have no real explanation for that. It's something that can't be described. It is so deeply personal that one can't really share what that means to another person as it's built upon eons of dna, individual experiences, that have created filtering processes for our brain to include when coming up with answers to current situations. It's when your head is screaming at you to have some decency and end the dis-ingenuousness.

Perhaps the sting of this reality has manifested itself in more bizarre communication from myself to others in my real-life (offline, flesh and blood). After spending time on myspace for over a year, I have come to see that there can be real harm in experimenting with your responses to virtual-friends. It's harder to discern if you are being played, being funned with, or if you are just acting out via digital expressions.

AND - here's a kicker!

FLIRTATION online! - What if you REALLY DO feel that way about someone and now how is this supposed to taken as sincere if you've been so overly-so with others.

It's the boy/girl-who-cried-wolf-syndrome.

Ah! Yes, there are always a fly or two in the ointments. These ointments are made of games, pushing boundaries, experimentation, - all in all, it's your ol' carnival miracle oil that will heal ya of anything.

I have to watch what I say. Whether I want to admit it or not, there are expectations out there amongst the masses. Think of all the varying filters we use to process the same words and coming to completely different conclusions.

I need to learn to couch my words with wisdom

There isn't a free flow thought process about this. heh!